Ramadan 3 - Fajr Thoughts.

There's so much I want to tell you. It feels like everything in this world should pause so that we can have a conversation. Or maybe I shall pause myself and sit beside You. There's this heart that I want to place in Your hands first. I know the moment You shall hold it all my sorrows will vanish. Then there's my yearning to fill in the void within my heart. You and Your remembrance shall take place within the space. I shall be humbled with shame, tranquillity, and consciousness as You enter this one space that shall be my Abode. 

We shall talk of my deeds, and I secretly pray and hope you will erase my sins in a speck of moment! For I do not have the courage or will in me to sit before You and respond to them. So clear my slate, and that's a seeking on its own. 

Then we shall talk of this temporal journey I was sent down for. Of the moments You've been so close yet far. Of why some days I found it hard to cope even to breathe while some other days I was simply rejoicing with the provisions you've blessed me with.

We can then talk of where I shall rest. My desire is it to be under Your throne, for there shall be no better shade! Let me walk through fields and roads that will take me to the households of your favourites and their favourites. 

At last, when I do meet You, I shall confess my love and feel a sense of fulfilment. A sense of closure for all that I was yearning and looking for. I shall be content with knowing, for once my love has been acknowledged by the Love itself. 

So ya Wadud, grant me the blessing to meet you, to sit with you and confess what this heart shall hold. 

Ar-Rahman

Another Ramadan is here and I am excited like a child. When I heard the imam start Takbeer I felt my heart expand and lighten. Every stress I carried seems to have lift away and my heart congested and struggling seems to be left with a void. Nothing was disturbing me. I was a child I felt. Subhanallah!

Yesterday morning I was in tears begging my Lord to take away this burden. How much I wanted to feel things without having the struggle of breathing heavily. 

This was indeed a moment I will cherish for the rest of my life. It wasn't about my mental health switching to the best of its capacity. It wasn't about me healing in a moment. It was the hope, the assurance, the consciousness that Allah is merciful and the mercy will be showered upon the broken.

Ramadan has grown into me as I grew up. Every year I have had a different approach and as year's pass by I see myself yearning for this month. It is indeed a blessing and a great rizq from Allah to be alive and experience yet another Ramadan.

With everything life has showered on me, there is this one thing that has helped me keep moving on. The truth that my lord is Ar-Rahman. And that means there's no other mercy I need to rely on. 

I could be broken in this world, emotionally scarred, and mentally drained. I can be misunderstood and spoken evil about. I could have hurt myself throughout the journey and along with that broken some hearts. But Allah, The Most Merciful has a way of showering kindness and compassion through this Mercy. Of giving a hope that life isn't all that bad in this world. Of reassuring how close and near Allah is. Of how loving and caring Allah is. 

I may be broken to the extend I find it hard to breathe, but what keeps me alive is knowing I have Allah. With all hopelessness and anxiety, this alone keeps me striving to become better.

Trust me as I say, a believer will have to struggle in this world. That is part of the purpose of worshipping and striving to please Allah. This struggle is often shaithaan trying to allure one into this worldly affairs. Ramadan is one month when this struggle is given a rest. For Allah promises to chain the shaitan within all of us.

Alhamdulillah.

Ramadan 1

There is a means of kindness I find myself surrounded by at the moment. A sense of ease is endured and I know how my Lord has opened the special door. This is the month of Ramadan and there is nothing but khair everywhere for a believer.

The words I am pondering over today are kindness and compassion. And there's no one more kind than my Lord. Subhanallah! 

My lord, this sinner has reached again at the doorstep of another blessed Ramadan. You are kind and beyond to have let me cross Sha'aban. Ya Allah, my prayers are for the ease of my heart, soul, mind and body. I want Your peace to shower me. And so let this slave of yours surrender.

Firstly my thoughts that needs a fitnah filter. Because You, my Lord, know how troublesome my thoughts can be. Ease them with Your peace as I submit my thoughts at your decree. Secondly my heart and its spaces. Fill them with Your Love and Possessiveness. Nothing else shall possess this heart unless You decree upon me. Ya Allah, wash away the black spots. Purify each of them every time I seek Your forgiveness. This heart has a void and that shall be your abode. If Allah wills. Ya Rahman, make my body a symbol of your faith and nothing more. Make it an identity of your ownership over it. This humble soul shall require nothing but Your pleasure. Ya Allah, this soul that I am sent down with is entirely Yours and so when You are extremely pleased with it, carry it away to a place of eternity. Where in this soul finds shelter, right under Your throne. Ya Gaffar, forgive this soul. Forgive the eyes, ears, tongue, hands, legs, and every atom of this being. May your kindness and compassion weigh more than this sinners act. 

Let me by Your sole will take each step towards Your Jannah. Let each word I write be tomorrow a witness for the good in me if You will. Let me be Your favourite soul that is blessed by Your Mercy 

Aameen Ya Rabb. 

Man so flawed dared to use the word "perfection".

Proof again of how limited and imperfect we are.

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Bitter Sweet Memories or Something Like That.

I've missed you. There were days when the bitter coldness you have let me sip on that was a shower of bliss. There is no way you are going to be replaced. After years of what seems like an eternity, we met today. The first time we met, I was unaware of what you would mean to me. 

What has life become since then, a journey of constant changes? Yet you remain the same. Do you ever yearn for us to go back to what we were? Ah! Those days of solitude. I missed you. I did. And I missed the girl as well. I am sure she is proud of everything I am today. Also a little coward. That's how it is meant to be.

Your bitterness never lasted long. It always found sweet endings. I prefer my life to last the same way. To survive the bitterness to see life coming into a sweet departure. 

There are so many memories held alongside you. Remember a stranger had come sat next to us. With an infant. You found joy watching me play with her. For the next sip was even sweet. 

For me, there's such intensity and hence my memories are stronger. They are hard to erase and this is just a speck of dust of all the galaxy I have within me. And for most of us, this is life. A galaxy within the tiny dot we are is what makes all of us. Beautiful, ain't it?

Solitude. Forest. Reflections

There has always been a yearning. To find space amidst the green lush or a mighty mountain. To sit and contemplate. Or even merely breath. To reflect. Because the amount of energy one requires to pace in today's world is tremendous. And do I have that sort of energy? I doubt so!

Last three days as I spent time in the forest, that's how it was. To be able to breathe free. Without the constant reminder of how miserable the world we live in is. I was detached. I was not merely enduring but I felt alive. For a moment or two, I found myself drooling back to what's outside this little world, but I caught hold of myself.

There was an abundance of thoughts and words that surged. From thinking of being grateful to my hand, to wanting to build a mansion of words, they ranged. 

I am not sure if I am happy or content. What I do know is I am glad I did what I did. I have gone around and experienced a yearning and lived it.

There's so much one reflects in such seclusion. There's so much one learns in such a space. Solitude does have its perks for a believer.

 Alhamdulillah for if not for my Lord I would have not survived to write this.

PC - Shaad

2.4.2021- Risks and Consequences

Today could mark the first step, of what is and will be always wrote down in history as a moment i learnt to make decisions and stick to them. The consequences following this are scary, that makes me want to run back to my cocoon of comforts. Where there is no fear of the unpredictablity life would shower down me with. This urge to break out of my own comfrotness is what scares me. But i feel if i don't take this risk i might succumb to something worse. And that is hella scary. I have come to realise how my mind never settles and so when my body is confirmed into a place it erupts and causes a chaos of conflicts. (Ugh! That sentence was raw and pure and an ornated form of weaving words. So don't be immersed in it's beauty for heaven sake.)

So this is the beginning, of risks and consequences. and may God be with me. And may i be with my Lord more than anything. May i not forget what it is to be a believer in this journey, for that's only what has kept me sane so far. 

[2.4.2021

Off to Wayanad alone for the first time. I visited Wayanad when i was 15 and the place has since then had a huge place within me. Today about a decade later i make it there by myself. My lord, grant me khair through th journey. I love you and on you alone i depend.]